When it comes to gaslighting in a relationship, it’s never too soon (or too late) to consider whether this has become your silent reality. Gaslighting is a systematic, intentional way to make an otherwise sane partner regularly question their own thoughts and decisions until they’re completely reliant on their significant other. Doing so creates dependence rather than mutual cooperation with another person and eventually removes all sense of independence, confidence and self-worth. 

Here are some tips on how to spot when your partner is attempting to undermine you with gaslighting or if you have been gaslighted already.  

They Prey on Your Mind Slowly, Not All at Once 

As the adage goes, when heating up a frog slowly in cold water, they don’t realize they’re being cooked until the water is at boiling point. Similarly, by intentionally slipping in denials, outright lies and falsehoods, manipulation and misdirection, the partner gradually undermines you while taking control of the relationship. You come to rely on their judgement more and more until you’re dependent on it because you no longer trust your own opinions.  

While you certainly would have objected if this happened all at once at the start where it would be obvious, by taking their time to feed in their narcissistic behavior bit by bit, you fail to notice it happening. If you’re realizing that you’ve found yourself in this very situation, it’s time to wake up now! 

They Give Positive Praise to Buttress their Manipulations 

If you’re someone who’s inexperienced at dealing with interpersonal relationships, has had a bad childhood or lacks confidence, then know that people who use gaslighting in a romantic relationship look for exactly your type of partner. 

They can offer compliments and positive reinforcement to make you think that they’re on your side. It also creates a trust and closeness between you that they then exploit to start gaslighting over time. At first the negative comments and lies surprise you, but because they’ve been so complimentary before, you are more likely to believe what they say. Effectively, they trick you by using kindness early in the relationship and manipulating you later.  

They Deny Saying Something Previously 

To throw a spanner in the works, your partner denies that they said something previously even though you remember it clearly. This takes many forms including saying that it’s not true, you’re misremembering, or you’re recalling some other person who said this and you’re confusing the two.  

The idea here is to begin to make you question your own memory and ability to correctly recall events and situations. The purpose is so you get to a stage where you cannot object to anything that happened before because they will say that you’re not remembering it correctly. Eventually, it gets to a stage where if you don’t object at the time, objecting later will get a flat-out denial as a foil to deflect any criticism or inappropriate behavior. Ultimately, it serves to make you question yourself.  

They Project Their Issues onto You When About to Be Challenged 

There are a few other things to look out for like them projecting their own problems onto you. It is harder to address an issue someone has just blamed you for, shortly before you had a chance to challenge them about their behavior. By getting in first, when you want to subsequently accuse them, they can wave it away saying that you’re copying their complaint and your objections are invalid. You may have even experienced this situation in a work setting used by combative or manipulative co-workers too.  

Gaslighting is a serious problem. It’s a purposeful undermining of the other person in the relationship to manipulate and gain control over them. If you feel that you have this issue, consider seeing a trained therapist who can provide a different perspective and independent counsel to help you address the issue.